My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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