I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
