You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
