garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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