I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They are going to name an STD after you.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
