return my video game
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
