I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
