I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
