Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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