what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
