Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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