new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
