i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
