I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
