How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
