i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
