Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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