I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
