We won't sleep together?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
