i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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