I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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