Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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