life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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