Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
