FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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