So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
