on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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