Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
