I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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