I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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