As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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