I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
