I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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