after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
