I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
