Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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