So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
