Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
