he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
