The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
