If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
