I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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