Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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