Having a random hookup so left but love u
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
