unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
