My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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