Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
