I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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