got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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