proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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