my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
...so i touched it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
