There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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